Multiple ways of Killing Jar Jar Binks
by Master of Macabre
Summary: These are my ways of killing Jar Jar Binks .This will be a crossover with basically everything .Enjoy !
1. CRUNCH ! ! !

I don't own star wars,or Jar Jar Binks .I do,however,own this story .Enjoy!

* * *

The planet of Hoth was a bleak,barren,place .Snowstorms raged across the -220 degrees celcius landscape .At first glance,the area was empty,but one tuned in with the Force would have felt something Dark,something dangerous,something that would have sent Darth Sidious crying in fear for his mommy .

Which caused Darth Vader to smack the old Sith around the ears and tell him to"GET A GRIP!"

But that's beside the point .

For you see,my esteemed readers this unspeakable menace was...

"Measa cold!",cried the menace .For fear of permanently scarring your mind,(in which I will definitely be sued),I shall not launch myself into descriptions of this despicable...umm...creature ,(Why would you check into this story if you didn't know who he is?)which will save cyberspace,brainspace,and several lawsuits .

Jar Jar Binks stood in the cold,shivering ."Why eest measa sheevering?I is wanto shelter!" .The quivering mass of filth stared around shaking his head,icicles dropping off his ear stumps which had (to our great delight) fallen off .

Suddenly,a massive stomp reverbrated against the landscape .A shadow went over him .With a mechanical groan,the foot steped down .

Jar Jar Binks head cracked at the initial contact as if an egg under an elephant .But before his brain could spill over like Jello from a cup,the foot crunched down,pulverizing Jar Jars organs,splattering offal around .Excruciating pain shot through Jar Jar Binks,and with a final"MEEEESSSAAAAA HHUUUUUURRRRRRTTTTTSSS!",his fragile body gave in to the incredible pressure of the AT-ATs foot .

The Imperial Walker strode on,leaving Jar Jars virtually flat carcass on the ground,more repulsive than a hundred squashed roaches,a stain tainting the otherwise pure Hoth snow .

 _ **Read and review,thanks! Next chapter will be EXTREMELY GORY ! Anticipate its arrival!**_


	2. Roast turkeys and Ramblings of madness

As usual,I do not own Jar Jar Binks .Or Star Wars .Or Shakespeare(which I confess to be a last minute idea to include his quote) .Or anything besides the plot .

* * *

It was a bright,cheery,summer day .Birds were singing,the sun was warm,and Gungans were walking behind a massive force field .The ground trembled and shook as the foul beasts ruined our idyllic countryside scene .In front of the row was Bombad General Binks(a living example of the low intelligence of Gungans in general),leading the 'army' forwards .They stopped .

Over the hills,an entire column of droid tanks appeared .Floating down,racks of folded _somethings_ came out ...

General Binks eyes widened .His heartbeat accelerated .His ears flapped like wings .His pinprick of grey matter "absorbed" the information and processed it .His brain(does it count?) sent a message to his overlarge mouth .He screamed" **ROASTY TURNKEYS! ! !MEESA LUVU ROASTY TURNKEYS! ! !"**

For yes,my esteemed readers, Jar Jar Binks brain observed drooping heads,folded limbs,hung-on-rack bodies and interpreted it as hundreds of roasted turkeys .Binks salivated .His brain said "Go !Eat them all and don't give a fucking damn about anyone! !" .Binks happily obliged .

Tearing forward as fast as he could,screaming **"Meesa wanto turnkeys"** ,the general leaped at the racks of _turkeys ._

 _Which is when they suddenly started TRANSFORMING !_

 _Legs unfolded..._

 _Arms unfolded..._

 _Head unfolded..._

 _Gungan general pounces..._

To smash into rows upon rows of battle-droids .

"Not turnkeys?",wept Jar Jar Binks as if a child who suddenly found out all his candies were shit .

"What is this?",asked Battle Droid 1 in a nasally voice .

"I don't know .Someone forgot to program the dictionary .",said Battle Droid 2 in an identical voice .

"Fuck that,BLAST HIM!",said Battle Droid 3 .

The others turned to it ."Where in the name of Luke Skywalkers fucking panties did you know how to swear?',they asked .

"Master of Macabre 13 taught me .",answered battle Droid 3 .

A crumbling noise was heard .

"AHHHHHHHH! ! ! !",They screamed as the Fourth Wall fell down and crushed them .

The noise of the wall crumbling caught the rest of the armies attention .

"BLAST HIM! ! !",yelled a battle droid ."Roger,roger"s went up the entire column . They aimed at the sobbing gungan,who was lamenting about the loss of his turkeys .

"O roast turkey,roast turkey !wherefore art thou roast turkey?"Jar Jar sobbed .He then calmed down .Fishing a sun-bleached turkey skull from his pocket,he said,"Alas,roast turkey!I knew him once,battle droids,a dish of infinite palatableness ,of most excellent sapor .He hath fed my stomach a thousand times,and now how divine in my imagination he is !My appetite rises at it .Here once hung flesh I have devoured I not know how oft .Where be your titillating aroma ? Your delectable taste ? Your piquant sauce ? Your prevalence at a feast,that were wont to set the table on a roar ?Not one now,to mock your own grinning ?Quite cadaverous you are .Now get you to General Grievouss chamber,and tell him,let him droid or man,to your flavour he must come;entertain him with that ."

The battle droids had paused staring at Jar Jar Binks .Liquid coolant leaked from their cameras as they clapped incessantly ."Bravo",one yelled ."Best speech ever!",screamed another ."Want roast turkey",said one,who had inexplicably developed an appetite .Jar Jar put down the skull and bowed to the applause .

Then,Jar Jar Binks suddenly recognized the nature of his audience ."MEESA HATE BATTO DROIDO! ! !MEESA FWIGHTENED! ! !",He screamed .

The droids snapped back to their original cold-blooded mode ."BLAST HIM! ! !",they yelled ."Roger,rogers permeated the ranks once again .They aimed their blasters and fired at the fleeing gungan .

The blaster rounds tore into Jar Jar Binks burning tunnels through his flesh .Blood pooled out,only to cauterize at the bolts heat .Screaming,Jar Jar Binks rolled over and over on the grass in a futile attempt to quell the horrible searing pain .Blaster shots peppered the grass,setting it alight .The Gungan howled as the orange flames licked his flesh,skin peeling back and charring to reveal white-and-red fat and muscle .A smell as if grilling steak filled the air,blaster rounds streaking around,deceptively beautiful .Jar Jar screamed .He was unrecognizable .His skin had all charred away,save for a few black patches .Torn flesh hung off him,and his innards flopped on the floor,tangling him .With a pain filled screech,Jar Jar yanked away his organs,and ran .Cries of "Meesa Hurts!"filled the air(definitely music to our ears) .Weakened by exhaustion,pain,and evident lack of organs,Jar Jar keeled onto the floor .His breathing was laboured,his stomach was a blackened cavern,his head a burnt skull,yet Death refused to ease his suffering .

A droid walked to him .With cold metal hands,it yanked away slivers of charred flesh which ripped of with a sound similar to tearing newspapers .Jar Jar struggled weakly .A metal fist to the head was all he got .The droid,angered at the roach-like resilience the gungan seemed to have,yet unwilling to lost its bet that it could kill the gungan with its bare hands(the reward was an extra cup of engine oil),opted to attack the brain .Pacing around the (extremely) slowly dying gungan it checked its archive for the easiest route to the brain .

Ah,yes .

The eyes .

Even though gungans have stalked eyes,the hole in which the optic nerve reaches the brain would be a _great_ start .

Internally grimacing at the prospect of rusty fingers,the droid proceeded to sever the eye .

* * *

Pain .

A sea of Pain .

That was Bomrad General Jar Jar Binks world .It was as if every nerve in his body was coated in napalm .The sheer blackness of unconsciousness threatened to overwhelm him . He welcomed it,no,begged it to consume him,the way a tribal sacrifice would call for the gods to take him .But they wouldn't .It was the same routine-cold clammy tendrils of darkness would rise and grip him,an onyx mist would seem to consuming,dragging him down to the dark depths of tranquil oblivion .Yet a sea of red,burning pain would surge in as if a flaming tsunami,burning away the darkness, and white-hot agony would flare like lightning .Pain beyond pain it was .He longed to scream,yet his throat had been burnt to a blackened pipe .Then the tendrils would renew their struggle to wrest control over his body .

Meesa beg you,pliz kill meesa .

It couldn't possibly get any worse

He was wrong ,dreadfully wrong .

* * *

The droid dug into an eye,crushing the optic nerve into a pulp,forcing the eyeball into the tiny dark hole .It was no easy task .The eye felt like an oyster with a malleable yet tough ball inside .Every time he pushed,the eye itself would slip past its fingertip,and not unlike a suction cup,the folds of soft muscle beside it would suck his finger,until a particularly hard pull would separate it with a sickening squelch .All the time,the gungans mouth worked silently,as if laughing .But who in their right mind would laugh when their eye was being crushed into their skull ? The gungans teeth crushed his tongue,which resembled a pile of ground beef .The drone internally sighed (why in the hell did it take on this blasted dare)and renewed its efforts .

* * *

As cold and biting as a winter gale,something dug into his consciousness .For a while,it was a welcome relief,for it numbed the pain .But soon,the ice became a fire of its own .The ice was worse than the burning agony he experienced .Like a freezing explorer, he longed for the flames to come back .So what if he burnt ?Anything,anything was better than this frozen hell .

Under the ice,Jar Jar could feel his mind going... _wrong ._

The blocks of ice changed into Death ,grinned at him,as if a clown from a park .Clowns were funny,so funny .The scythe was funny ,the marks of lives being reaped imprinted on the blade .Even Death himself had to sharpen his blade .Hilarious .

His cloak was funny ,with the faces of a thousand damned souls etched on it .

Death tore at his flesh .Who knew the sound of flesh tearing was like paper? So funny !

Death yanked at his eye,which spun around into his head,to see into his blackened brain .Eye gymnastics,HAH!

It was a safe,the brain is .

It was the Safe .

Death cant exist if there is no brain,no consciousness to wipe out,so if there is no brain,he is safe .So,it was like a trick safe .Still a safe .

SAFE!

Meesa is immortal !

But meesa is dying!

So funny !Common sense was supposed to be logic,yet they both contradicted each other !

Yet Jar Jar Binks sanity still remained .As if a broken man,it did nothing except chant to itself,its weak signal jammed by the gungans insane ramblings .

But when the ramblings briefly paused,when he teetered on the fine line between the calm pond of sanity and the stormy ocean of insanity,Jar Jar chanted,in his rare moments of utter linguistic sophistication,at high speed,as if to redeem himself from his crime of butchering the English tongue .

The words were always the same .

 _Death, death; oh, amiable, lovely death!_  
 _Come, grin on me, and I will think thou smilest._

* * *

The droid threw a tantrum,flinging its blaster onto the ground .Its efforts were futile .The gungans crushed eye clogged the hole,and his brain was so small,it escaped all of its scans .With a resigned huff,it gave up ."Fuck the engine oil!I'm gonna blow his fucking head off!",it swore(carefully skirting the topic of a certain fan fiction writer in fear of being crushed) .Picking up his blaster,the droid aimed it at the gungans head .

* * *

Like a morning spring breeze,the lack of torture melted the ice .Sanity returned in the form of a subdued sea of red-hot pain .Compared to the ice,this was bliss . Tentatively,he opened his remaining eye .To the dark barrel of an E-5 blaster .

Relief flooded through him .Finally,Death came to rescue him .But even as these cheerful thoughts flooded his mind,Fire and Ice surged simutaniously to threaten to drag him into their possession again .

Air wheezed out of his charred ,punctures lungs into his blackened throat,a feat only possible by sheer willpower .

In a raspy voice,he said his last words

''I am a tainted wether of the flock, Meetest for death; the weakest kind of fruit Drops earliest to the ground, and so let me. You cannot better be employ'd, Battle Droid,Than to live still, and write mine epitaph.''

At least that was what he wanted to say .

What came out was ...

"MEESA SOILDO MEESA PANTIES ! ! !"

* * *

In a single second that seemed an eternity,the droids soulless cameras stared into Jar Jars pain-filled ones .The droids finger tightened on the trigger .

* * *

The Tibbanna canister released some of its gas into the Xciter .Electricity crackled,flowing smoothly from the power pack into an actuating module .Blinding green light and crackling blue electricity issued from the formerly colourless gas .Passing into the actuating module,the result shot forwards like a rocket,slipping past a prismatic crystal .The gas was instantly transformed into a crackling green bolt of death .

Jar Jar Binks closed his eye as the bolt of green energy rushed along the barrel in to the air .A green flash,a rushing noise,and it was over .

* * *

Jar Jar Binks mutilated carcass thudded onto the ground,blood spilling onto the grass,bright scarlet against brilliant green .A mist clung to the air,the suns rays shining through it,as if light through a veil .Birds sang and pink flowers floated onto his corpse .

Strange how beauty and death are intertwined together .

Yes,so funny .

* * *

 _Same,read,review,and press that button with the little heart on it at the bottom ._


	3. Iron Maiden

**I'm back ! As usual, I do not own Jar Jar Binks ,or anyone who might appear in this fic .**

* * *

 **I got this idea when I googled "List of Middle Age Torture Devices " . Don't ask .**

 **Anyway, I got this _really_ romantic-sounding way of torture .And if you read the title, you would know what it is .**

 **Yes, my esteemed readers, it is the Iron Maiden .**

 **But not just _any_ Iron Maiden .You see, it has been ****_upgraded_. ( Cackles insanely )**

* * *

Beyond a valley, there was a castle .It was jet black, skeletal, with numerous towers reaching upward as if gnarled fingers striving to grasp the heavens .

But fear not .Under its off-putting exterior, lies something _marvelous,_ something _heavenly ,_ something every Star Wars fan dreams of .

A scream, rivaling Mozart in its musical quality, ripped through the air .

"Nooooo .Don't do thees to Meesa .Yoosa ees a kinda man ." , blubbered a familiarly detestable extraterrestrial.

Loud cackling reverberated in the cold marble room .A heavily scarred man wearing a gladiators helmet ( the kind that covers the entire head ) dragged the squealing gungan up the ink black stairs. Mechanical whirring filled the air, and the clang of titanium against marble echoed at each of the man's steps. The gungan squealed and yelped, but the freezing chains cut into soft amphibian flesh every time he struggled .Finally ,he was dumped onto the floor .

A strange sight met, the gungans eyes .A massive glass coffin in the figure of a headless woman was on a steel bed .The mysterious man pressed a button on a small counter beside him .With a bang, the doors opened .

Being the brainless organism he was ,Jar Jar Binks had no clue what the hell was happening.

Until the cold clutches of the Dark side of the Force grabbed him bodily and thrust him into the box. The doors clanged shut .Jar Jar Binks was trapped into the box, with only his neck and head sticking out of the coffin .

Jar Jar was surprised. It appeared that the interior was designed specifically for him. Every inch fitted exactly onto him .Then it hit him .No, not an idea .A robotic fist .The world turned instantly to black .

* * *

When he came to, he was still in the coffin . On a stove . Beside his captor . "Let the fun and games begin ! " , cackled the man .With a blast of Force Lightning, the stove was set alight .

" Pleeeeeeeeeeeese ! Yousa no do theese ! ", begged the gungan .

" Don't worry, my dear friend. You wouldn't die from the heat. ", said the man . "Gungans can survive temperatures up to 200°C .This fire will only be about 120°C .However , water boils ."

"What ?", cried Binks ." I think I want a selfie. '' ,said the man,whipping out his smartphone .

The temperature went higher and higher. The man paced around like a child before the start of a favourite TV show .Then, it began .

Bubbles formed underneath the Gungans skin as tiny bumps, which began to inch upwards .Upon seeing the spectacle through the glass , the gungan started panicking . "What eeees hapeeening to meesa ?",screamed the gungan .No response .

With each thrash, the bubbles inched even quicker to his head .Sweat formed on his skin, which evaporated, forming a fine mist in the interior of the coffin. The army of bubbles slid upwards, a smooth rippling of skin marking their route to the above .

A bubble slipped up his neck .A piercing scream tore through the air as the bubbles forced their way through blood vessels, tearing them apart .A purple began to show on the gungans amphibian skin as blood saturated the surrounding tissue .As the wave of bubbles began to flood up the place of least pressure, Jar Jar Binks throat pulsated and expanded, turning into a purplish mass, as if the bloated fruit of some arcane species of fruit .

Gasses can be compressed .But there _is_ a limit .Have you ever seen a baloon pop ? Well that is what basically happened .And what a POP it was .

Jar Jar Binks's throat detonated .There are no other words describable .As if a glass shattering , a million fragments of flesh, ripped beyond any hope of recognition, flew everywhere, slapping against the wall, tattered shreds hanging everywhere .Blood sprayed around, a fine mist dying the air into scarlet, filling the air with the scent of death .Jar Jar Binks's head carreened across the room, smashing into the wall, before cracking as if an egg .Brain oozed out in the form of a tofu-like semi-liquid .

Satisfying. Very .

* * *

Well thats it for today .Im really sorry for the delay, and lack of graphic gore . PM me for suggestions on how to kill him ! Please review ! Points for guessing who the man is !


	4. Bullets and Blades

I do not own Jar Jar Binks.

* * *

It was a hot day in the busy market of Cairo.

Jar Jar Binks front-flipped, back-flipped, side-flipped, somersaulted, and spun his dual double-sided red lightsabres into a blur.

Indiana Jones sighed.

He pulled out a Colt Single Action Army.

Jar Jar Binks' brain careened through the air.

The cleaner groaned

* * *

Sorry for the length. As usual, read, favourite, and review. Bye!


	5. Unto Dust

**I do not, as you all probably know, own the monstrosity that is (shudders) Jar Jar Binks .**

* * *

Everything was well, considering it was the middle of the Clone Wars.

Basically,in the interim between two long eras of peace and prosperity, insanity cut loose. Liberty took a nose dive, and sentient life was kicked around somewhat.

And cupcakes were being baked.

Being the absolute git that he was, a certain amphibian rested in a satin couch (undoubtedly made from money the poor peasants struggling to survive had scavenged) in Padme Amidalas luxurious abode, not caring about the raging battle in any way shape or form. The aroma of baking cupcakes permeated the air, indirectly causing dreadfully impolite snorts to spoil the scene.

The Gungan's patience was rapidly diminishing. Horrendous stalked eyes stared hungrily at the Gamma Ray Fusion Oven Mark 2894 (is it just me or that does not make any sense? ) the way a horny old lecher would ogle a nubile young girl. One could _clearly_ sense the Gungan undressing the oven, lusting after the pale soft cupcake, waiting to feel up its smooth, plump structure, _craving_ to lick the cream off its perky round top and plunge in his tongue to get at its sweet. . . . . .

Ok. Enough of the dirty talk. If you guys get turned on, that's your own fault.

Anyway.

"C-3PO! !", screeched the Gungan ( a very uncharacteristic sound only uttered when the Gungan broke off from his filthy little fantasies). " WHERE EES MEESAS CUPEYCAKES? ! ? ! ? ! ?"

No answer.

If you really want to know why, read on. If you cant bother to find out, skip to the next line.

* * *

It could easily be explained by the three laws of robotics, because Anakin Skywalker was a fanboy of Isaac Asimov.

1.A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

As there are undoubtedly many fans of C-3PO out there, catering to Jar Jar Binks every whim would be psychologically debilitating to them all, therefore harming humans. As Jar Jar Binks is _not_ human, C-3PO doesn't give a shit about his well being.

2.A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

Jar Jar Binks isn't even fucking human.

3.A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.

C-3PO's programming will all fail if he associated himself with such filth. Even if he somehow remained intact ,he would most likely be lynched by a bunch of rabid Star Wars fans

* * *

Grumbling, the Gungan picked himself from his cushy armchair and meandered towards toward to the Gamma Ray Fusion Oven.

His stalked eyes gazed into the oven., Light flashed in it, a dazzling display of scarlet and gold. But even this spectacular show could not distract Jar Jar Binks, who was still immersed in his fantasies of sodomizing the cupcake.

As the fantasies became increasingly depraved, the Gungan lost the rationality in his already undersized brain. With a roar of lust, (evidenced by the bulge in his satin pajamas), Jar Jar Binks wrenched open the oven.

Which is where I, Emma Jean Nee Us, compel you to stop, and take out your science textbook. Yes, you, the one staring at the screen. Got it? Good.

Flip to the page about Fusion. Note the way it describes its power. Impressive, isn't it?

Now concentrate that amount of power inside your oven.

For one eternal second, the Gungan stood, transfixed'

His slimy amphibian skin glowed orange, his eyes reflected the raging inferno, his mouth a perfect circle. His perception of time slowed down, and the theme song of Requiem for a Dream blared loudly in his ears. The flames swirled, scarlet and gold morphing into each other in a hypnotic display. He couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't tear his eyes off the inferno's dance of death. . . . .

The flames surged outward, engulfing Jar Jar Binks the way a tsunami would engulf a house. A million tongues of flames licked fragile amphibian skin, which crackled, crusted, caramelized and blew away in a thousand black shreds of flaky carbon. The sheer force of the blast tore away slivers of flesh, and burnt the remaining meat away in a black cloud of dust and ash, which trailed behind him as if a cloak. An eerie wail issued from the Gungan's disintegrating larynx as Jar Jar Binks imagined the state of his precious cupcake.

With all of his remaining strength, Jar Jar Binks leaned forward, stretching out to save the cupcake. Ash, previously living Gungan flesh, obscured his rapidly-dissipating vision. His blackened fingers grasped wildly, searching for the reassuring texture of soft cupcake. But as hard as he tried, the atomic energy rushing from the oven pushed him back, until. . . . . .

 **CRACK! ! ! !**

The Gungans spine split backwards, ligaments snapping like ropes, blood, fluid, and white matter spraying into the air only to char instantly into plumes of ash. A torrent of flame rushed into Jar Jar Bink's abdominal cavity, carbonizing his organs and tissue, to finally explode out of his mouth and nose like some horrible parody of a dragon.

The flames finally subsided to reveal the extent of the carnage. The cushy armchairs were reduced to ash and tattered scraps, and the 24-karat table was turned into a twisted heap of semi-melted gold. Gone were the silken wallpaper and the lavish carpet. Instead, giant burn marks and random debris covered every inch of the room.

In the very middle of the previously-luxurious palace of a room, was Jar Jar Binks. But he didn't look it. His features were burnt and blurred, as if molten wax, and where skin once grew only remained tar-like, shining, partially liquidated carbon. This, accompanied with his grotesquely bent stature, made Jar Jar Binks resemble more like a piece of modern art than a biological specimen.

 **BUT**

He was alive.

His world was an inky void, devoid of sound, light or feeling.

But there was hope, and like an anchor, it gave him the will to continue his meager existence.

It is said that love conquers all.

And thus, Jar Jar Binks' undying love for the cupcake gave him the strength to _survive,_ to _hope,_ to _reach out_ and search for the heavenly feel of his one true love. . . . .

Jerkily, his charred hand inched towards the cupcake. At times, one would think he wouldn't make it, but slowly and surely, the cupcake neared his groping hand. . . . .

Two inches. . . . . . . . .

One inch. . . . . . . .

Jar Jar Binks' charred fingertips brushed oh-so-lightly against the pearly sides of the cupcake. . . . . .

A loud clanking rang up the marble stairs, and the door (or what was left of it) was wrenched open by a copper hand.

Metal feet stomped in, and a robotic arm snatched up the cupcake.

"The cupcake is burnt! ", proclaimed C-3PO, flinging it onto the ground and reducing it into a pulpy stain on the floor.

The blackened figure _shattered,_ and blew away in an angry cloud of ash.

The pulp was powdered black.

 _Unto dust._

* * *

 **Isn't love beautiful? Anyway, Read, Rate and Review! PM me for suggestions!**


End file.
